Posticles and the Uncanny Valley
In the past two months, I’ve been stuck in a second-guessing-myself-in-everything rut. Ironically, this indicates that my overall brain function is improving, since this unhelpful meta-commentary appears to have borrowed its narrator from my Before Times Perfectionism panel. Recent examples include: ‘If you write that, people will probably think you’ve become a psychopath’ for a piece on how my emotional life has changed and ‘Shouldn’t what you have to say matter somehow? The world is BURNING, grrl’ on simple update on my short-term and working memory. Real helpful, Review #2-level feedback.
Fortunately, I’ve been blessed with a great neuropsych therapist and a streak of stubbornness that runs straight to my core. If there’s ever going to be a time for me to overcome perfectionism and learn new, more constructive habits, this is it. Reviewer #2 must be stopped, after all!
In that spirit, I am aspiring to publish ‘posticles’ in addition to fuller posts. I will not ask these posticles to represent my inner being in all its multifaceted glory. I will not worry that someone might mistakenly form false impressions on what it’s like to have a brain injury, or recurring VZV meningitis, or whatever else. I will just write them up and post them, as though I am rhetorically swashbuckling, prose-loose and fancy-free. Eventually, in fine “act as if/fake it till you make it” form, perhaps I will just be a rhetorical swashbuckler.
I’m obviously incapable of jumping right into this alarmingly casual attitude towards writing things and letting them go, however, because I couldn’t just call this “Posticles” and be done with it. No, I had to add a second topic to make this post feel more worthwhile and deserving. And my life in the Uncanny Valley is definitely worthwhile and deserving! It’s my new way of characterizing how I feel between flare-ups right now - far enough from the awfulness of where I was pre-brain-stent that I feel like I should be able to live how I used to do, and yet distinctly unable to when I try. Instead, I fall into a deeply unsettling space of being too close and yet not close enough.
So take that as a teaser for a future post about my current station in frontal-lobe brain damage land, I guess! Andy and our dogs are at the coffee shop where I’ve been writing, which means my 90 minutes is up, so away I post.
A Joyful Epiphany to you, and until next time, be nice to your noggins!
I look forward to your posticles, and I love this idea!
FWIW, I think your sense that everything we say has to MATTER because the world is burning is really prevalent right now. I feel it, too. It seems self-indulgent to write about my little life when so much of a significantly catastrophic nature keeps happening, and I have no wisdom or insights to offer regarding any of it. But our individual challenges and needs and struggles DO matter, and at least for me, balancing the doom-scrolling with updates from people I care about helps retain some sense not just of normalcy, but of humanity. Of what's worth fighting for. Of why we can't let the chaos win.
What you say does matter, and you don't have to try extra hard to imbue it with meaning for that to be true. You don't even have to know to whom or how it matters--just keep the faith that it does! <3
YES! I love everything you have to say--it makes me think, it gives me joy. When everything around us is insane, proof that there are kind, thoughtful people (aka your writing) matters deeply, deeply, deeply.